Understanding Women

Understanding Women:

A Man’s Guide to Relationship Rocket Science

Clay Watkins, LMFT

Any guy who thinks he can read the mind of a woman is a guy who knows nothin’!

Robert Evans, producer of The Godfather

The following article is a work-in-progress meant to stimulate discussion between men and women. As such it is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but there is much truth in it as well. Readers are encouraged to provide feedback to assist in increasing the accuracy of the descriptions of how women think, feel and behave. If your input is used in the author’s upcoming book, you may be cited as a contributor. Obviously any generalizations made are by definition not going to apply to some women, therefore please forgive the author if they do not apply to you. As country singer Tammy Wynette says in the song Stand By Your Man, “...after all he’s just a man.”

Women: The Ultimate Puzzle for Men

To us men, women are simultaneously frustrating and wonderful. We peer at a woman as a chimpanzee might peer at a computer; mesmerized by the pretty lights; simultaneously fearful and awed by the mystery of it all. But take heart, men. There is a method to women’s madness. To truly understand these amazing creatures, however, we must be willing to expand our perspective. We must be willing to defy principles of standard male logic. We must do that which does not come naturally. We must think like women.

First, forget all you heard about women as a kid. What we men pick up in childhood about the female mind—the guesses you got from your elementary school buddies—is useless drivel. This includes statements like “When a girl says ‘No’ she really means ‘Yes’”; crap like that.

Second, forget what you’ve been told about women by women. We men all know women don’t even understand themselves. How in heaven’s name are they going to explain it to us? They illustrate this with cryptic phrases like “I really like it when a man cries,” “I’d rather just cuddle,” and “If you don’t know by now, then I’m not going to tell you.”

The key is observation. Women are too complex to be fully understood by any one man. That’s a given. The best any of us can hope for is partial but significant understanding. Think of it as you might rocket science; with enough education, experience and elbow grease you can put together something that will get you into space. Then you press the ignition switch and pray things go well. The key is watching and listening. We’re not talking about stalking women, hacking into their email, or reading their text messages. We’re talking about watching what they do and correctly interpreting what they say.

The U.S. Marines have a motto: Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. It’s not important that you win every battle. The priority in this case is to win the war; the war against your own selfishness; the war against petty arguments; the war against broken relationships. If your goal is to make your relationship work no matter what, then you’ll need more than just commitment. You’ll need some creativity as well.

Who do you think you are, anyway?

I realize the first question many readers will ask is: how in heaven’s name does this male author have the cajones to claim to understand women? I might even entertain the bigger question of how any man can presume to understand the opposite sex. I admit I am making a bold statement, but I do so not because of my education or my intellect or my professional training. More than any other reason, I understand women because I listen to them; hundreds of them. As a marriage and family therapist I see wives, girlfriends and moms every day and they tell me their deepest longings; their joys; their disappointments; their fears; even their fantasies. And you can bet I take copious notes to ensure I don’t forget what they tell me. I even bounce the concepts off other women

to make sure I understand what I’m hearing. And the conclusions I have made may surprise you.

For All You Outliers

Let me extend a sincere apology to those hopefully very few men who read this article, but for whom it is of no assistance. Writing an article on understanding women from a man’s perspective is a grand undertaking, and one that is inherently incomplete. I might as well be writing a primer on how to cut diamonds. Just as every raw diamond has its individual traits, molecular makeup and structural idiosyncrasies; no one woman is the same as the next. The best any man can do is gather data and from them make his best guess.

To truly understand any particular woman, a man must understand the general principles of how women think, feel and act, but then also learn to adapt this understanding to the one woman he wishes to love. The bad news is, due to the complexity of the task, your challenges will be many; your failures will be frequent; and your mistakes will be painful. The good news: if you can think outside your own experience, develop the complex man inside you, and learn to communicate the right message clearly over and over, you may just experience a truly loving relationship.

Marriage Is Not For Sissies

As I write this I am reminded of a joke about a man who, while walking along the beach finds an ornate bottle. Upon removing the top a genie appears and says, “I am so grateful to you for setting me free, I will gladly grant you any one wish.” The man asks, “One? I thought it was always three wishes?” To which the genie replies, “I’m an apprentice. I can only grant one.” The man thinks for a moment and says, “My wife always wanted us to go to Hawaii, but she has a severe phobia of flying. Can you make me a highway to Hawaii so I can drive her there?” The genie grimaces and complains, “Wow, that’s a really big request. Do you know how many cubic yards of concrete that would take, and the engineering that would go into a bridge that long? Can’t you think of anything else you want that might be a little easier?” The man thinks for a long

minute and says, “Okay, my wife is always saying I don’t understand her. Can you just teach me how to understand women?” To this the genie replies, “Did you want two or four lanes on that highway?”

Coming to a working understanding of women, at least from a man’s perspective, requires nothing short of rocket science. But it is possible, given a certain combination of courage, persistence and humility. You are probably reading this article to help you repair a problem in your relationship with a woman. Some advice: there are no quick fixes with women. Every problem with a woman takes time, effort and consistency to rectify. It’s part of the price we men pay to get all the great things women have to offer. No use complaining because you were unaware of the fine print. Time to man-up. Along those same lines, this article isn’t for incrementalists. If you think you’re going to get a better relationship by slightly modifying your present relationship, good luck with that. This article isn’t for you. To achieve a very different relationship you’ll have to do something very different than what you’ve done in the past.

With regard to relationships with women, we men often feel we are set up to fail. To say women are complex is a massive understatement. We men are psychological square pegs attempting to fit into round holes. The only way to truly fit is to allow our angles to be rounded off. It’s not a matter of becoming who we’re not--it’s a matter of becoming who we can be, so we can experience and give the very best. You can spend your time attempting to square-up the round hole, but in my experience, it’s more productive to work on changing yourself.

The Devil Is in the Differences

Herein lies the problem; if men and women think and react in an inherently different manner, how can the sexes ever hope to get along? Mutual understanding is the answer. Let’s start with understanding the physiological differences.

There are, of course, the obvious disparities between the sexes involving genitalia, hormones, chromosomes, and appreciation for the Three Stooges. But what’s really interesting is how our brains function differently. Brain size and intelligence between men and women is generally the same, but important structural differences exist between the sexes that create differing responses to events around us.

It starts before we are ever born. Sometime between three and six months into pregnancy, hormones wash over a pre-born child’s cranial cavity to catalyze brain growth. Specifically the brain of fetal boys is bombarded with testosterone; shrinking the corpus collosum; a structure that allows us to communicate between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This at least partially explains why in functional brain scans adult women appear more adept at using both hemispheres of the brain, whereas men tend to spend most of their brain activity in the left hemisphere only. So men, when your wife accuses you of being brain-damaged, just say, “That’s technically true, but what’s your point?”

The left side of the brain—where men spend most of their time—is where logic and rationality typically occur. By contrast, women use both sides of their brain; accessing not only left brain functions, but also right brain functions like intuition and emotions. By deduction one might conclude men are more logical than women, or conversely that women are inherently smarter than men since they use both sides of their brain. Both arguments miss the point. What’s important is not that women process information differently than do men, which they do; most important is that this causes women to feel differently than men, which is why, even when given the same set of facts, women and men often arrive at very different conclusions.

The fact that women take their feelings into consideration when making decisions may work fine for them, but from a man’s standpoint this is inefficient. From a male perspective, emotions merely complicate the thinking process. Not only that, we men fear emotions will make us look like sissies, so we take great pains to manage them effectively. In fact, if we men could get by without any emotion we would. But men, to successfully communicate and negotiate with women, we must learn to understand how women translate their feelings and their experiences. This may seem impossible, but it’s not. It just takes some work.

Throughout their school ages, boys have testosterone pulsing through their bodies; propelling them into more frequent fights and more behavioral problems than generally are experienced by little girls. As a result, much of little boys’ emotional experience and expression is shaped by schoolyard politics. Boys learn early that most all emotional expression other than happiness or anger is unacceptable on the playground. If a little boy strikes out in softball then cries about it, he is quickly ostracized by his peers and often ridiculed as well. But if the same boy curses and

throws his bat to the ground in anger, though he may pay some price if a teacher notices, he gains respect or fear from his peers. So then later, when the boy becomes a man, and his wife asks him to show vulnerability, disappointment or compassion, one should not be surprised when he reacts like a deer in the headlights. He frankly has no idea how to feel anything but happiness or anger.

Similarly, on the playground boys learn to limit their words more than girls do, because boys know that past a certain point their words become fightin’ words, leading to violent repercussions. Contrary to popular belief, most little boys would rather avoid fisticuffs, so statements like “Oh yeah? Well make me!” are more often followed up with deflections like “Every time I spit I make you!” than by fighting words like, “Oh yeah? Then behind the green backstop after school, you pussy!”

By contrast, little girls learn to use their words in what boys consider overly harsh ways, because girls are just not as prone toward solving their conflicts through physical violence. And because they don’t have to fear that a physical fight will break out if they say something nasty, this sets up a verbal free-for-all when girls argue. As a result, little girls can get really good at hurting with their words. Unfortunately by the time girls grow up to be women, they have also gained a vast verbal advantage over men in arguments.

To compound this inequity between the sexes, consider also that even when little boys do get into fights, they rarely hit below the belt. Why? Because every little boy knows how much it hurts to get hit in the groin—that’s why. And every little boy also knows guys’ rule number thirteen: if you live by the sword, you will die by the sword. This goes for words as well. Little boys don’t make fun of other little boys’ penises, because if they did they know they would be just one conversation away from being the brunt of the next small-penis-joke. Little girls, conversely, have no such understanding. Guys must understand this and learn to disregard women when they go too far. They just don’t know any better. No one ever taught them guys’ rules.

This brings us to a very dicey topic for men: how to know when to act on what a woman says and when not to. Aha! Finally something that makes sense. All men recognize the double bind of listening to a woman’s words. We hear things from her like, “I want you to be sensitive to my needs, but don’t be a doormat,” or “Why can’t you spend more time with me; but could you work more overtime to help our finances?” Deep down women want a guy who has goals and ideas; who’s a leader and

not a follower; who cares and sacrifices for his wife but won’t sacrifice his dignity. But ask a woman how to achieve both sides of what they say they want and they’ll give you nothing but gibberish. My wife, as I was writing this, said, “Don’t forget to mention that women have the ability to feel opposite emotions at the same time. We can hate and love someone simultaneously.” I just looked at her with that thousand-yard stare I sometimes get in our conversations. What are we men supposed to do with this nonsense? Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Your best bet? Just do the right thing for the right reasons, and let the chips fall where they may. It’s not a perfect solution, but at least you’ll be able to sleep at night. Unless she’s PMSing, in which case, watch your back!

It is, however, altogether necessary for us men to learn how to feel emotions, other than the two previously-mentioned ones, as well as express them to our significant others. For a good start into being able to do that, read the book The 7 Levels of Verbal Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.

Men are visual. For men, visual stimulation-- whether it’s actual girl-watching or looking through a Playboy magazine—equates to brain stimulation. In 1956, James Olds performed a famous experiment whereby rats were taught to press a bar wired to a miniature electrode that delivered electrical stimulation to the hypothalamus of the rat’s brain; the “pleasure center” if you will. The rats were deprived of food and then given the choice between eating and self-stimulation. The rats always chose the pleasure stimulation. As many as 5,000 stimuli were self-delivered to the rats’ hypothalamic region. The animals stopped only when they dropped from exhaustion. Similar to rats, we men will choose that which stimulates the pleasure center of the brain, even sometimes to our own detriment. Unfortunately women, evolved creatures that they are, are often able to see past the exterior to who a man is on the inside. The problem is, they expect us to be able to do the same, so we disappoint them a lot.

Do yourself a favor: love your wife. A lot of guys see these differences and try to solve the conflict by educating their wives or girlfriends. I see many of these men in my office, after years of trying but inevitably failing to convince their women that their wandering eye or online porn addiction is somehow “normal”. Pick your battles, men. If you’re in a committed relationship, you have to give up on all those parts of your life that undermine your lady’s self-esteem. It may be difficult, but you must exercise self-discipline. Don’t disrespect your woman by looking another woman up and down in

front of her and making comments like, “Wow, will you look at the pair on that one!” Instead, take the opportunity to throw her a compliment. Building her self-esteem will reap many rewards for you later.

Men translate what a woman says into a statement about respect, whereas women translate everything a man says into a statement about relationship. Little known secret; when a man says something—anything—to his wife, deep down she is asking one question: “Are you on my side?” Smart men find a way to imbed, even multiple times per day, the following message in their communications with their wives: “I love you, I am committed to you, and I’m willing to sacrifice my comfort for your happiness.” The cause of most divorces is not money or cheating; it is the lack of including this simple imbedded message in all our interactions. From a guy’s standpoint this is ridiculous. As I heard one husband tell his wife, “I told you I loved you the day we got married, and I’ll let you know if I ever change my mind.” Heed my words, men. This does not work for women. They need to be regularly reminded that they are loved. Don’t struggle against it. You don’t need to know why it is. It just is.

The point system. Because women use more of their right brain (where emotion and relationship information are processed) than men do, they prioritize events, words and choices differently than men do. So when a guy brings home a dozen roses, he may think he gets 12 emotional points in his favor, but in reality he may only earn one point according to his wife. In fact he could have brought home just one single rose and still earned one point. (I know, it makes no sense!) The fact is, women assign relational points according to many factors: thoughtfulness, sincerity, sacrifice, history, timing, spontaneity. Cost is a tricky factor that can go either way. One thing is for sure; each woman’s point system is unique, so best do some research to get it right. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages is an excellent guide to determining how to score emotional points with your mate. Read it. Live it. Be it.

Communicating With Women

In the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish suggest a four-part strategy on how to effectively communicate with kids, but it also works quite well between a man and a woman:

1.     Listen actively to the point she’s making. Say your girlfriend says, “You never let me have a say in things. Quit controlling me!” Before you defend yourself or respond to what you perceive as disrespect, construct a statement to let her know you are listening to her. For example: “Wow, it sounds like you’re pretty upset. This must be really important to you.”

2.     Acknowledge her point by mirroring it, using a combination of your and her words. Let her know you understand what she’s saying by feeding back what you think you heard. For example: “So if I have this right, you’re mad because it seems like I don’t ask your opinion before I make decisions, right?” Make your best guess, but be open to correction if you got it wrong.

3.     Empathize with her by labeling and reflecting her emotion. Construct a statement that helps her recognize and relate to her own emotions. For example: “I think I get it; that you feel powerless—like you’re not being respected. I can see why you’d be pretty upset about that.”

4.     Respond by reframing her situation, exploring options and solutions with her. Construct a statement that leads her toward a solution that works for everyone. For example: “Okay, so what do you think I can do to make sure you get more of what you want; so it seems more fair to you?”

We men see ourselves as problem solvers. Our tendency is to jump straight to step 4 to explore solutions. This way, we reason, the messiness of steps 2 and 3 is eliminated altogether, allowing us to feel both efficient and useful. When we make this jump, however, it makes a woman feel devalued because she thinks we only see her as a project and not as a person. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s how women think. Don’t struggle against it. It will only close more tightly around you. Instead, improvise; adapt; overcome.

Guys, do yourselves a favor and focus on steps 2 and 3. Trust me. She will not only feel loved, but often she’ll forget the need to solve the problem that started the discussion in the first place! Important point here guys: for women the issue is always about the relationship. So-called “problems” are only important to them insofar as they impact the relationship.

Conclusions

This article is merely a look at the tip of the iceberg of challenges associated with understanding women. For most men, understanding their wives will be a lifelong effort. My main point: it is a worthwhile effort, and though you’ll never completely understand her, with some smarts, some patience, and some commitment, you can understand her well enough to make her feel loved. And that, in turn, will change how she treats you, which can make life very worth living.

 If you would like to print or download a copy of this in Acrobat format, click HERE.

Training Boys to Be Men

Training Boys to Be Men

Clay Watkins, MFT

The items below, presented in no particular order, form the basis for a structured parenting program offered by Clay Watkins through Village Counseling Center in Arroyo Grande, California. Each item represents a training topic that can be integrated into an activity or homework assignment with boys of various ages.

Organization and Decision Making

• Decisiveness: Saying “yes” to one priority always involves saying “no” to others.
• Sacrifice: Counting the cost of your goals early makes persistence easier later.
• Dreams: The difference between dreams and goals is decision.
• Neatness: A little effort to be neat now reaps great benefits in productivity later.
• Filing: A well-organized filing system is worth its weight in gold.
• Computers: Computer and Internet skills that save time and increase productivity.
• To-Do Lists: Keeping an updated To-Do list with 3 categories: Do ASAP, Do Soon and Do Eventually.
• Focus: Successful people limit the number of their goals, then commit strongly to them.
• Goals: Making goals positive, attainable, measurable, modifiable and incremental.
• Long-term Goals: Exploring and setting goals for 5, 10, 20 and 50 years in the future.
• Assertiveness: Knowing the difference between passivity, aggressiveness and assertiveness.
• Time Management: Learning to structure your time so it does not get away from you.
• Punctuality: Being punctual tells others they are important to you, and it also requires you to be honest with yourself about what you can do and what you want to do.
• Integrity: Being a man of your word, even when you pay a price to do so; the value of integrity.
• Dependability: Where there’s a will there’s a way. We do what we want to do. Dependability is a choice.
• Courage: Courage does not mean eliminating fear, rather it means you act in spite of your fear. Learning to meet your fears head-on.
• Courage: Overcoming fear involves decision, education, consultation, experimentation and action.
• Leadership: To be a great leader you must first learn how and when to follow; leadership styles.
• Teaching: To be an excellent teacher you must first learn to be an excellent student; teaching styles.
• Balance: Defining the fine line between being a committed person and being obsessed.
• History: Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Know history and learn from it.
• Success: Success is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration.
• Self-control: Self-control and discipline are often the only skills separating a winner from a loser.

Money and the American Work Ethic

• Saving: Save part of every paycheck and it will grow large before you know it.
• Investing: Recognizing a good deal; getting rich slow; various investing concepts.
• Work Ethic: Hard work builds character, patience, endurance and success.
• Budgeting: Control your money—don’t let it control you.
• Borrowing: The borrower is the lender’s slave, so borrow carefully.
• Credit: The importance of building good credit; keys to careful usage of credit.
• Balance: Defining the fine line between holding high standards and being a perfectionist.
• Collecting: Sports cards and memorabilia, Pokemon, Beanie Babies, stamps.
• Giving: Give a part of each paycheck to help others and your life will be fuller because of it.
• Planning: People don’t plan to fail—they fail to plan. Work smarter, not harder. Don’t let the urgent crowd out the important. Being proactive. Prioritizing and managing your goals.
• Persistence: Persistence is one more distinguishing characteristic between winners and losers.
• Priorities: People are more important than things. Prioritize your life or others will prioritize it for you.
• Teamwork: Together Everyone Achieves More; learning to work with others.
• Support: You are only as good as the people with whom you surround yourself.
• People: Four types of people in business: Honest and Giving (the rarest), Honestly Competitive, Dishonest but Predictable, Dishonest but Unpredictable (most dangerous).
• Risk: Like the turtle, you have to stick your neck out to get anywhere. In soccer, you can’t score if you never shoot.
• Failure: Every failure means you are one step closer to success. Example: Thomas Edison.
• Fun: True success must include some fun or what good is it?
• Career: Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.
• Balance: True success lies somewhere between the extremes of laziness and workaholism.
• Quality: Buy the best and only cry once.
• Money/Power: Managing your money well gives you more power and more options in life.
• Career: Career categories include: entrepreneur, professional, sales, white collar, blue collar.
• Sales: All of life involves sales. Learn to be a good salesman and it will benefit you all your life.

Relationships, Character, Morals, Beliefs, Life Skills

• Friends: Pick your friends wisely, because who they are is who you will become.
• Friendship: What a true friend is; how to maintain friendships; building a support network.
• Character: Every word, action and decision you make brings you closer or farther away from the person you want to be.
• Integrity: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and you’ll earn respect from yourself and others.
• Honesty: Tell the truth and you only have to remember one story; honesty and a clear conscience.
• Failure: It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be. Few choices in life are permanent—some just cost more than others.
• Consequences: Accepting negative consequences like a man; learning from every choice in life.
• Independence: When you can do for yourself, do so. There are plenty of opportunities in life to depend on others without creating more; balancing enough and too much independence.
• Dependence: Recognizing and dealing with dependent people; learning to say “no”; setting boundaries.
• Balance: Balancing doing for others with doing for yourself; the difference between narcissism and healthy self-respect.
• Victim Status: We always have more options than we think we have. There are very few real victims. 
• Respect: Principles of winning friends and influencing people. Being assertive, introducing yourself, offering a firm handshake and a smile, remembering people’s names.
• Respect: Every time you interact with someone you train them either to respect or disrespect you.
• Appearance: People initially judge you on your outward appearance. Dress for your next job.
• Confidence: Confidence is a mixture of decision, preparation, experience and attitude.
• Hygiene: You only get one chance to make a first impression. Cleanliness is worth the effort.
• Drugs/Alcohol: A man’s got to know his limitations. Get high on life and substances will never be necessary.
• Addictions: Facts about drugs, alcohol, gambling, sexual and online addictions
• Peer Pressure: Saying no; being popular; parties; dealing with criticism and ridicule.
• Gun Safety: Knowledge about guns; gun safety skills.
• Beliefs: Those who do not stand for something will fall for anything; knowing what you believe.
• Spirituality: World view; theology; meaning of life; the afterlife.
• Conflict: Conflict resolution; anger management; understanding your emotional buttons.
• Role Models: Choosing your heroes; whose opinion is valuable and whose is not.
• Family: Be nice to your family—they are going to be around for a long time.
• Courtesy: Saying “thank you,” “yes sir,” “yes ma’am”; table manners; thank you notes; letters; emails.
• Heritage: Knowing your heritage and being proud of it.
• Diplomacy: A diplomat tells a woman whose face could stop a clock, “Madame, when I look into your face, time stands still.”
• Spin: There are always two ways of describing anything. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
• Reason: Logic; objectivity; science; research; problem-solving skills
• Verbal Defense: Verbal self-defense strategies; comebacks; argumentation; debate; study of fallacy.
• Pluralism: Reasonable people can disagree; the skill of disagreeing without devaluing.
• Absolutes: What is always true and what is relative or just sometimes true; situational ethics.
• Positivity: Being positive is a choice followed by practice.
• Happiness: Happiness requires a marriage of choice, belief and attitude.
• Control: When you strive to control your environment, you will naturally conflict people who need to control you.
• Education: Knowledge is power. Wisdom is knowledge under control.
• Education: College versus the school of hard knocks, structure versus freedom, the military.
• Education: One must learn how to learn before one can truly learn. Curiosity is key to real learning.
• Education: How to take effective notes; how to write effectively
• Reading: The key to a life of learning is reading, so learn to love it.
• The Mind: Garbage in, garbage out. Television, movies, video games, fantasy games and how they affect the mind and character.
• Math: Math builds on the basics, so learn them well before moving on to more complex concepts.
• Love: Love is 90% decision, 10% feeling.
• Sex: How men use love to get sex, and women use sex to get love; mechanics; birth control.
• The Body: Male-female differences; phases of physical development.
• Masculinity: Real men don’t eat quiche; emotions; toughness; sensitivity; communication skills.
• Self-Defense: How to defend yourself and those you love; locks; security; awareness of one’s surroundings.
• Survival Skills: Camping; backpacking; emergency medical skills; surviving in the woods.
• Domestic Skills: Cooking; cleaning; sewing; organizing; time management.
• Communication: Conversational skills; humor; non-verbal communication; active listening skills; initiating.
• Nature: Plants; animals; birds; fish; insects; weather; astronomy; science; appreciating beauty.
• Pets: Pet maintenance and benefits.
• Adaptability: Security-knowing that you can survive and adapt to any problem that presents itself.
• Feminism: History of women’s place in society; a person’s value versus their role or job.
• Patriotism: Freedoms, rights and privileges. American history and the role of government.
• Current Events: Reading the newspaper; staying up on local, national and world events.
• Women: Know the rules; “the points system”; how to attract, treat and maintain a relationship with a woman.
• Friendship: Levels of intimacy; conversational skills.
• Dating: Choosing the right woman; classy versus trashy; matching up values; levels of intimacy.
• Manipulation: Looking out for number one when you need to; recognizing a con when you see one.
• Guilt: Know the difference between a healthy conscience and unhealthy guilt.
• Social Skills: How to deal with difficult people.
• Parenting: How to train your parent(s).
• Labeling: Labeling ourselves and others positively; building self-esteem.
• Self-esteem: Self-esteem is a combination of feeling competent and feeling loved and valued.
• Big Decisions: Crucial life decisions versus non-crucial life decisions; safety; health; crime; credit; marriage.
• The Law: Morality versus legality; doing the right thing even when it costs you.
• Race: Race; culture; economics; class; attitudes and their affect on social outcomes.
• Judgment: The difference between having good judgment and being judgmental, between deciding and choosing.
• Responsibility: Admitting and learning from mistakes; asking forgiveness; taking responsibility; letting go of ego.
• Mental Health: Never stop learning and you will never stop growing.
• Sports: The role of sports among men; character development through sports.
• Competition: Balancing competitiveness and drive (in sports and life) with relationships and fun.
• Physical Health: Fitness; diet; medicine; biology.
• The Arts: Finding artistic expression through art, dance, music and writing.
• Travel: Expanding your horizons and broadening your understanding through travel.
• Shop Skills: How to fix things; woodworking; metal work; electronics; auto repair.

If you would like to print or download a copy of this in Acrobat format, click HERE.

Deal Breakers: Characteristics of the Right Guy

Deal Breakers: Characteristics of the Right Guy

Clay Watkins, LMFT

Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of the book Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away, tells what signals to watch for in order to figure out whether or not he’s a keeper. Here is a summary of the main points in her book, plus a few I added for good measure. They may not all be deal breakers to you, but think twice before you give a guy a pass on any one of these.

·      He’s Interested. When you first meet him, you should feel that he wants you. It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment or attention to detail. It should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. Constant calling, e-mailing and text-messaging is not true contact since he cannot touch you, see you, adore you or get to know you.

·      He’s Accomplished. Soon after meeting him, you will discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life. If he went to college he now has a good job. If he owns a business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges or new possessions. Setbacks for him are rare but when they occur he learns from them.

·      He’s a Stand-Up Guy. He says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing/texting at 2 a.m. because you fear he is out with another girl.

·      He’s Into You. It will feel reciprocal and mutual. What he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer and he is as devoted to you as you are to him. Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give and take. You get more out of the relationship than merely text messages, e-mails or occasional plans. He is willing to sacrifice for you without being a doormat.

·      He’s Consistent. He will have good friends and you will like who he is when he’s with them. You are confident that he is the man you know and love whether he’s with you or apart from you. When he’s out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be—charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.

·      He’s Understanding. He will like you for who you are. Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. You should not feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold onto his approval.

·      He’s Not Judgmental. He will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself. Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. He will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what.

·      He’s Trusting. If he is right for you, he will tolerate the unexpected and the unknown because he trusts you. He will not pin you down or put a leash on you every moment of the day in order to feel secure. Instead, he will respect your boundaries and give you the privacy and independence you deserve. In essence, he doesn’t need to control you through jealousy, guilt or manipulation.

·      He’s Not Controlling. He will not try to have power over you. He won’t leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Even if he has more money, status and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. He is willing to listen, meet your needs and include you in mutual decision making.

·      He’s Willing to Work on Things. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution that works for him and for you. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he makes measurable, long-term changes to make the relationship work.

·      He’s Able to Talk. Even if he exhibits tendencies toward being strong and silent, he is willing to talk to you at least occasionally about his thoughts, emotions and dreams. He doesn’t wait until he is angry to share honestly what he is feeling. Even if it takes effort to do so, he is willing to talk with you affectionately and compliment you. He doesn’t fall back on excuses such as, “My family just wasn’t very verbal/affectionate,” or “Don’t expect me to be one of your girlfriends.”

·      He’s Proactive. He will seek his own solutions. If he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a 12-step program—anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. Pride, laziness, stubbornness or fear will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to have a successful relationship with you.

·      He’s Addiction-Free. He doesn’t use alcohol, marijuana or other drugs to avoid uncomfortable emotions. When he does drink, he rarely (once or twice per year) drinks to excess (more than a couple of drinks). He addresses his problems and takes responsibility for his mistakes. Rather than playing the victim or blaming others, he accepts the consequences of his actions, learns from missteps and modifies his behavior. His happiness is based on making healthy decisions, and his moods are generally consistent.

·      He’s Psychologically Balanced. He’s not a narcissist, but he’s not needy either. He sets and enforces boundaries with people in ways that work for him but also often work for others as well. He takes care of himself but not so much that the opinions or feelings of others don’t matter. He regularly gives to or sacrifices for others, but not so much that others can control or manipulate him. He feels guilt when it is appropriate to do so, but does not feel compelled to please others all the time. He doesn’t love you out of need; he loves you because he recognizes your wonderful qualities and chooses freely to direct his affections toward you.

·      He’s Not Abusive. He is generally aware and in control of his emotions, and the words he uses are not mean or hurtful. When he does feel or express anger, it is predictable, gradual, and eventually subject to rational debate. He is never physically violent to others or destructive to property. He never justifies hurtful words or actions by blaming you. When problems do occur in his relationships, they eventually get worked out. He tends not to hold grudges for very long, and he is able to admit mistakes and apologize when appropriate. He backs up his apologies with observable changes in behavior. Anger isn’t his only emotion.

·      He’s an Independent Adult. He takes care of himself financially and doesn’t rely on others to do for him what he can do for himself. He generally does more than his fair share of the work and doesn’t complain when he is required to solve his own problems. He has individuated from his parents and family enough to have his own life, but he’s not unnecessarily cut-off from them either. His self-esteem is based on his own strengths and accomplishments. He feels good enough about himself not to have to compete with others, and to be a team player without always having to be in charge.

·      He’s In It For The Long Haul. He has a history of extended friendships. Though he may have made some less-than-optimum relationship decisions in the past, he learned from them and eventually mad better choices. He understands that relationships are made up of good and bad times, and that true intimacy can only be had through successfully resolving conflict over time. He doesn’t give up easily, and is willing compromise to make things work. He talks regularly about your future together, and thinks fondly about your past together.

·      He Makes You Happy. When you think of him you can’t help but smile a little. After spending time with him you feel better about yourself and more hopeful about your future. He thinks about you when you’re not there. He treats you with respect and as an equal. When you succeed, he celebrates with you. When you are sad, he empathizes with you.

 If you would like to print or download a copy of this in Acrobat format, click HERE.

Strategic Parenting: Five Steps to Happier, More Well-behaved Kids

Strategic Parenting

Five Steps to Happier, More Well-behaved Kids

Clay Watkins, MFT (As published in ParentGuide magazine, April 1997)

It’s popular in recent decades for parents to be portrayed in the media as victims; helpless to counteract the overwhelming influences of our ever-degrading society on its children. I strongly contend, however, that parents still exercise more influence over the lives of children than anyone. That’s right, more than peers, teachers, our government or society as a whole. Regardless of your child’s age, what you do as a parent largely determines the attitudes, preferences, habits, thinking patterns and choices they make the rest of their life. Scary? You bet. But also an amazing opportunity to influence the future. In my ongoing effort to be a better therapist for the parents who come to see me, I have talked with hundreds of parents and have read scores of books on the subject of parenting. From this research I recently compiled a list of five steps to help parents raise happier, more well-behaved kids. I call them the 5 Cs of Healthy Parenting. They are as follows.

1.   Be Clear

Usually, when we want a child to do something, we have something very specific in mind. We all too often, however, increase our own and our children’s frustration unnecessarily by offering vague instructions. Gregory Bodenhamer addresses this point well in his book, Back in Control. In it he emphasizes what he calls Bodenhamer’s Law for Parents which, paraphrased, states that children, given the option, have a natural tendency to do what they want to do, in their own time. Said another way, if you don’t define the rules, your children will! Bodenhamer goes on to instruct parents to decide what type of rules they want to set: mandatory, optional or discretionary. Clarity is most important when a rule is mandatory, i.e., it must be done-no ifs, ands or buts. The first key to being clear about mandatory rules, that is to say, rules you are willing to enforce until they are followed, is to be almost compulsively specific about what you want and how you want the task in question done, exactly. A good example would go something like this: “I want you to park your bike around the side of the house instead

of behind my car where I might run over it.” It is also important to specify when and how often you want it done, exactly. “I want you to park it there every day when you get home from school, before you come into the house.” Don’t forget to mention the duration too, if appropriate. “And I want you to continue parking it that way every day you ride your bike, until the day you start using a car for transportation.” Another aspect of being clear is stating the consequences the child will experience when the rule isn’t followed. “Whenever I find your bike someplace other than around the side of the house, I will put it in the garage and you won’t be able to use it for an entire day.” Stating consequences may not always be necessary for more compliant children. For others, it may be an imperative part of every instruction. An excellent book explaining how to create effective consequences is Kevin Leman’s Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.

2.   Stay Calm

This is, of course, easier said than done. Calmness comes from having a plan, and being able to modify it at a moment’s notice—not a simple task. If possible, sit down and think about things after they happen to better anticipate their next occurrence. Don’t bang your head against the wall. If one strategy is clearly not working, try something very different—who knows, you might get different results. Sometimes the answer is just a simple shift in perspective. The opposite of calmness is anger, an emotion every parent has experienced from time to time. In terms of effective parenting, however, there is no greater act of self-defeat. Do your best not to let your child get you angry. Again, easier said than done, but where kids are concerned, you lose the battle as soon as you show the first hint of anger. You must master the lesson that your child’s disobedient behavior is rarely directly aimed at you. They are merely doing their job. Your job as a parent is to provide structure and safety for them. Their job as a child is to test every limit in their environment to see which ones are immovable. This makes parenting sound like a lot of work, I know, but that’s probably because it is, every single day. Anyone who says any different has never been a parent or doesn’t really remember

being a kid.

3.   Concentrate

Don’t let your child distract you. They can be masterful at this. And let’s face it, you are at a natural disadvantage. They have all day to figure out ways to get around the limits you set for them. And you only have a few moments a day to figure out ways of responding appropriately. Your only hope is to be smarter than they are. Returning to the words of Gregory Bodenhamer, he suggests deflecting tangential arguments using the words “regardless” and “nevertheless” For instance, when your child argues she cannot go to bed because the television program she is watching is not over yet, you could say, “I understand your program is not yet over, nevertheless you still must go to bed now.”

4.   Be Consistent

This may be a parent’s most difficult assignment. At the end of a hectic day spent chasing your toddler, expending even a small amount of effort to follow through on rules may be asking a lot. But every time you make an exception or let your child break a rule without suffering the consequences, it reinforces their behavior. Unwittingly you have employed the very strategy used so effectively by casinos in slot machines. The strategy is called variable reinforcement, and it is the most powerful determiner of behavior known to humankind. Do yourself a favor. Put forth a little more effort now by following through with your child, and you may be able to spend a lot less parenting effort later.

5.   Communicate that you care

Use the LAER method for communicating love to your children: Listen, Acknowledge, Empathize and Respond. Don’t just skip from listening to responding. An excellent book on this topic is: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Remember, you can never listen too much. You can never love too much. You can never hug too much. If you prioritize your kids now while they need it from you, they will prioritize you later when you need it from them.

If you would like to print or download a copy of this in Acrobat format, click HERE.