Strategic Parenting
Five Steps to Happier,
More Well-behaved Kids
Clay Watkins, MFT (As published in ParentGuide magazine, April 1997)
Clay Watkins, MFT (As published in ParentGuide magazine, April 1997)
It’s popular in recent decades for parents to be portrayed
in the media as victims; helpless to counteract the overwhelming influences of
our ever-degrading society on its children. I strongly contend, however, that
parents still exercise more influence over the lives of children than anyone.
That’s right, more than peers, teachers, our government or society as a whole.
Regardless of your child’s age, what you do as a parent largely determines the
attitudes, preferences, habits, thinking patterns and choices they make the
rest of their life. Scary? You bet. But also an amazing opportunity to
influence the future. In my ongoing effort to be a better therapist for the
parents who come to see me, I have talked with hundreds of parents and have
read scores of books on the subject of parenting. From this research I recently
compiled a list of five steps to help parents raise happier, more well-behaved
kids. I call them the 5 Cs of Healthy Parenting. They are as follows.
1.
Be Clear
Usually,
when we want a child to do something, we have something very specific in mind.
We all too often, however, increase our own and our children’s frustration
unnecessarily by offering vague instructions. Gregory Bodenhamer addresses this
point well in his book, Back in
Control. In it he emphasizes what he calls Bodenhamer’s Law for Parents
which, paraphrased, states that children, given the option, have a natural
tendency to do what they want to do, in their own time. Said another way, if
you don’t define the rules, your children will! Bodenhamer goes on to instruct
parents to decide what type of rules they want to set: mandatory, optional or
discretionary. Clarity is most important when a rule is mandatory, i.e., it
must be done-no ifs, ands or buts. The first key to being clear about mandatory
rules, that is to say, rules you are willing to enforce until they are
followed, is to be almost compulsively specific about what you want and how you
want the task in question done, exactly. A good example would go something like
this: “I want you to park your bike around the side of the house instead
of behind
my car where I might run over it.” It is also important to specify when and how
often you want it done, exactly. “I want you to park it there every day when
you get home from school, before you come into the house.” Don’t forget to
mention the duration too, if appropriate. “And I want you to continue parking
it that way every day you ride your bike, until the day you start using a car
for transportation.” Another aspect of being clear is stating the consequences
the child will experience when the rule isn’t followed. “Whenever I find your
bike someplace other than around the side of the house, I will put it in the
garage and you won’t be able to use it for an entire day.” Stating consequences
may not always be necessary for more compliant children. For others, it may be
an imperative part of every instruction. An excellent book explaining how to
create effective consequences is Kevin Leman’s Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.
2.
Stay Calm
This is, of
course, easier said than done. Calmness comes from having a plan, and being
able to modify it at a moment’s notice—not a simple task. If possible, sit down
and think about things after they happen to better anticipate their next
occurrence. Don’t bang your head against the wall. If one strategy is clearly
not working, try something very different—who knows, you might get different
results. Sometimes the answer is just a simple shift in perspective. The
opposite of calmness is anger, an emotion every parent has experienced from
time to time. In terms of effective parenting, however, there is no greater act
of self-defeat. Do your best not to let your child get you angry. Again, easier
said than done, but where kids are concerned, you lose the battle as soon as
you show the first hint of anger. You must master the lesson that your child’s
disobedient behavior is rarely directly aimed at you. They are merely doing
their job. Your job as a parent is to provide structure and safety for them.
Their job as a child is to test every limit in their environment to see which
ones are immovable. This makes parenting sound like a lot of work, I know, but
that’s probably because it is, every single day. Anyone who says any different
has never been a parent or doesn’t really remember
being a kid.
3.
Concentrate
Don’t let
your child distract you. They can be masterful at this. And let’s face it, you
are at a natural disadvantage. They have all day to figure out ways to get
around the limits you set for them. And you only have a few moments a day to
figure out ways of responding appropriately. Your only hope is to be smarter
than they are. Returning to the words of Gregory Bodenhamer, he suggests
deflecting tangential arguments using the words “regardless” and “nevertheless”
For instance, when your child argues she cannot go to bed because the
television program she is watching is not over yet, you could say, “I
understand your program is not yet over, nevertheless you still must go to bed
now.”
4.
Be Consistent
This may be
a parent’s most difficult assignment. At the end of a hectic day spent chasing
your toddler, expending even a small amount of effort to follow through on
rules may be asking a lot. But every time you make an exception or let your
child break a rule without suffering the consequences, it reinforces their behavior.
Unwittingly you have employed the very strategy used so effectively by casinos
in slot machines. The strategy is called variable reinforcement, and it is the
most powerful determiner of behavior known to humankind. Do yourself a favor.
Put forth a little more effort now by following through with your child, and
you may be able to spend a lot less parenting effort later.
5.
Communicate that you care
Use the
LAER method for communicating love to your children: Listen, Acknowledge,
Empathize and Respond. Don’t just skip from listening to responding. An
excellent book on this topic is: How
to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish. Remember, you can never listen too much. You can never love
too much. You can never hug too much. If you prioritize your kids now while
they need it from you, they will prioritize you later when you need it from
them.
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