Ten
Steps to Forgiveness
Clay Watkins, LMFT
Below
are steps to creating forgiveness when you have caused harm or offense to
someone; i.e., not the steps to forgiving someone who has offended you. The
burden to create forgiveness is on the shoulders of the offender, not the
offendee. And though occasionally individuals can forgive without the
offender’s participation, it is more difficult. The best and simplest way is
for the offender to acknowledge his or her offense and work to repair the
damage.
1.
Accept your portion of
responsibility.
You are not a victim. You have choices. Your emotions, words and actions are
within your control. Accept the fact that, regardless of your reasons for doing
what you did, your actions or words caused pain for someone else. If you blame
others—if you have to be right all the time, you will sacrifice relationships
and your own happiness. That being said, the other person, whether through
instigation or retaliation, may have offended you as well. Set that aside
temporarily. Let them take responsibility for that later if indeed they are
going to do so. Don’t make your maturity dependent upon their level of
maturity. You take responsibility for what you did or said. Let them be
responsible for themselves.
2.
Describe what you did and
how it was wrong and/or hurtful. Provide enough detail to let the other person know
you actually understand what you did and how it was wrong. Admitting wrong too
easily or generically implies that you are merely attempting to pacify the
offendee or escape punishment rather than do the right thing.
3.
Describe how bad you feel
for what you did to them. Make sure you are seeking forgiveness because you feel remorse for
the pain or harm you caused, not just because you got caught or because the
consequences for your actions proved painful, inconvenient or humiliating.
Pursuing forgiveness insincerely will only work to further undermine the other
person’s trust in you. Say you are sorry, not to merely obtain absolution; say
you are sorry because it is the right thing to do.
4.
Don’t explain why you did
what you did.
Explanation of your thinking or actions only negates your apology and ends up
sounding like self-serving rationalization. Resist the urge to explain. Your
explanation doesn’t matter to the offendee. All they care about is whether you
are sorry for the pain you caused them; i.e., whether you care about their
feelings. Explaining yourself says you care more about you than about them,
which gets you nowhere.
5.
Commit yourself to ensuring
you will never repeat the offense. This doesn’t mean just “trying to do better next
time.” Real change takes real sacrifice, not comfortable, miniscule,
incremental changes. Tell the other person your plan for change, or if they
don’t want to hear it, go write it down and implement it on your own. Employ
the help of friends to make you accountable for your following through on your
plan.
6.
Follow up your words with
actions.
Better to have not made a promise at all than to make one and not keep it.
Actions speak louder than words in relationships, so make tangible, measurable
steps toward your goal of ensuring you will never repeat the offence.
7.
Make amends where possible. If you are truly sorry for
hurting, insulting, or inconveniencing someone, you should be willing to make
it up to them. If they are willing to accept your amends, do what is needed to
make things right. If you stole, replace the item you stole; if you hurt
someone physically, pay for their medical costs; if you caused someone
hardship, reimburse them for their time, effort or frustration, and do so with
no strings attached. And be honest with yourself as to when making amends might
just make things worse. Allow the offendee the right to refuse your amends.
8.
Ask for honest feedback and
support.
It’s as if you are admitting an addiction and asking the offendee to let you
know when they notice you falling off the wagon. Though it is not their
responsibility to force you or nag you into changing, they may be willing to
assist you by reminding you when you need a fresh perspective. This is, of
course, predicated on your willingness to listen and learn from their input.
9.
Seek outside help when
necessary.
If you find yourself unable to make the changes you want to make, seek out
assistance from others who are trained in the field of change. Whether a
pastor, a therapist, a psychiatrist or a trusted friend, find someone wiser
than you who can help you develop the tools you need to change yourself. It is
the fool who only seeks out his own advice. Be humble enough to acknowledge
that you are not an expert in everything. Even therapists need therapy from
time to time.
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