Deal Breakers: Characteristics of the Right Guy
Clay Watkins, LMFT
Dr.
Bethany Marshall, author of the book Deal
Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away, tells what
signals to watch for in order to figure out whether or not he’s a keeper. Here
is a summary of the main points in her book, plus a few I added for good
measure. They may not all be deal breakers to you, but think twice before you
give a guy a pass on any one of these.
·
He’s Interested. When you first meet him, you should
feel that he wants you. It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment or
attention to detail. It should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan
and move the relationship forward. Constant calling, e-mailing and
text-messaging is not true contact since he cannot touch you, see you, adore
you or get to know you.
·
He’s Accomplished. Soon after meeting him, you will
discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.
If he went to college he now has a good job. If he owns a business, he has
learned how to successfully manage it. His efforts continue to generate new
opportunities, new skills, new challenges or new possessions. Setbacks for him
are rare but when they occur he learns from them.
·
He’s a Stand-Up Guy. He says what he means and means what
he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides.
Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward.
Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing/texting at 2 a.m. because you fear he is out with
another girl.
·
He’s Into You. It will feel reciprocal and mutual.
What he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer and he is as
devoted to you as you are to him. Healthy relationships are based upon mutual
give and take. You get more out of the relationship than merely text messages,
e-mails or occasional plans. He is willing to sacrifice for you without being a
doormat.
·
He’s Consistent. He will have good friends and you
will like who he is when he’s with them. You are confident that he is the man
you know and love whether he’s with you or apart from you. When he’s out of
sight, he does not turn into somebody else. Conversely, when you include him
with your friends, you know who he will be—charming and engaging, enhancing
instead of detracting.
·
He’s Understanding. He will like you for who you are.
Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his
adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware
of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations.
You should not feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold
onto his approval.
·
He’s Not Judgmental. He will never view you as
unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself. Even in the midst
of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. He
will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead
of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good
person, no matter what.
·
He’s Trusting. If he is right for you, he will
tolerate the unexpected and the unknown because he trusts you. He will not pin
you down or put a leash on you every moment of the day in order to feel secure.
Instead, he will respect your boundaries and give you the privacy and
independence you deserve. In essence, he doesn’t need to control you through
jealousy, guilt or manipulation.
·
He’s Not Controlling. He will not try to have power over
you. He won’t leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave
you hanging just to prove a point. Even if he has more money, status and power,
he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. He is willing
to listen, meet your needs and include you in mutual decision making.
·
He’s Willing to Work on Things. He is willing to learn from his
mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a
flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will
be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution that works for him
and for you. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he makes measurable,
long-term changes to make the relationship work.
·
He’s Able to Talk. Even if he exhibits tendencies toward
being strong and silent, he is willing to talk to you at least occasionally
about his thoughts, emotions and dreams. He doesn’t wait until he is angry to
share honestly what he is feeling. Even if it takes effort to do so, he is
willing to talk with you affectionately and compliment you. He doesn’t fall
back on excuses such as, “My family just wasn’t very verbal/affectionate,” or
“Don’t expect me to be one of your girlfriends.”
·
He’s Proactive. He will seek his own solutions. If he
has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a
conversation, go to therapy, attend a 12-step program—anything that will move
him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. Pride, laziness,
stubbornness or fear will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to
have a successful relationship with you.
·
He’s Addiction-Free. He doesn’t use alcohol, marijuana or
other drugs to avoid uncomfortable emotions. When he does drink, he rarely
(once or twice per year) drinks to excess (more than a couple of drinks). He
addresses his problems and takes responsibility for his mistakes. Rather than
playing the victim or blaming others, he accepts the consequences of his
actions, learns from missteps and modifies his behavior. His happiness is based
on making healthy decisions, and his moods are generally consistent.
·
He’s Psychologically Balanced. He’s not a narcissist, but he’s not
needy either. He sets and enforces boundaries with people in ways that work for
him but also often work for others as well. He takes care of himself but not so
much that the opinions or feelings of others don’t matter. He regularly gives
to or sacrifices for others, but not so much that others can control or
manipulate him. He feels guilt when it is appropriate to do so, but does not
feel compelled to please others all the time. He doesn’t love you out of need;
he loves you because he recognizes your wonderful qualities and chooses freely
to direct his affections toward you.
·
He’s Not Abusive. He is generally aware and in control
of his emotions, and the words he uses are not mean or hurtful. When he does
feel or express anger, it is predictable, gradual, and eventually subject to
rational debate. He is never physically violent to others or destructive to
property. He never justifies hurtful words or actions by blaming you. When
problems do occur in his relationships, they eventually get worked out. He
tends not to hold grudges for very long, and he is able to admit mistakes and
apologize when appropriate. He backs up his apologies with observable changes
in behavior. Anger isn’t his only emotion.
·
He’s an Independent Adult. He takes care of himself financially
and doesn’t rely on others to do for him what he can do for himself. He
generally does more than his fair share of the work and doesn’t complain when
he is required to solve his own problems. He has individuated from his parents
and family enough to have his own life, but he’s not unnecessarily cut-off from
them either. His self-esteem is based on his own strengths and accomplishments.
He feels good enough about himself not to have to compete with others, and to
be a team player without always having to be in charge.
·
He’s In It For The Long Haul. He has a history of extended
friendships. Though he may have made some less-than-optimum relationship
decisions in the past, he learned from them and eventually mad better choices.
He understands that relationships are made up of good and bad times, and that
true intimacy can only be had through successfully resolving conflict over
time. He doesn’t give up easily, and is willing compromise to make things work.
He talks regularly about your future together, and thinks fondly about your
past together.
·
He Makes You Happy. When you think of him you can’t help
but smile a little. After spending time with him you feel better about yourself
and more hopeful about your future. He thinks about you when you’re not there.
He treats you with respect and as an equal. When you succeed, he celebrates
with you. When you are sad, he empathizes with you.
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